Postcard on Sadness

Ebbs and flows…

Last week I wrote about joy. But the irony is that while I was scribbling down those words to you, I was desperately trying to claw my way out of the firm grasp of sadness. I was desperately fighting for joy. Analogies and metaphors seem inadequate in conveying the gravity of the situation I was in. But all the same, I will just say I felt like a terrible swimmer trapped in the bottom of the ocean: drowning and drowning but hoping to get saved.

I guess I’m writing this to tell you that it’s okay if all you can do today is lie on the couch and stare out your window.

It’s okay if today all you can do is hug your pillow and sob because it feels like your life is breaking into a million pieces and all you can do is watch.

I promise you, it’s okay. It’s okay because even if you’re not okay today, you will be okay tomorrow and if it doesn’t happen tomorrow, there is always another tomorrow (hopefully). The goal is to keep hanging in there until joy throws you a lifeline; until joy bubbles up from within and swallows your sadness.

Like I hinted last week, there is a lot in this world to make you happy. But I hope I didn’t forget to mention that there is even a lot more to make you unhappy. The thing is that there is a depressingly large amount of sadness on this side of heaven that makes it an impossibility to be perpetually happy. So today I’m writing to you about what happens when you can’t reach the joy you carry within you or when it feels like she took a walk and forgot her way back to you.

You see, joy comes in ebbs and flows because our lives are simply a collection of highs and lows. Remember when I told you that you have to fight for joy last week? Great! It is when you’re at that depressing low where you can hardly speak a word that you have to put up the meanest fight ever. It is in those very low ebbs that you need to put on your boxing gloves and insist, “today is not the day I give up this breath”.

The past one month has been a lot for me. It’s been one boxing ring after another and I’m hardly a good boxer. I’ve had to question everything so many times. Most days of the past one month have just felt like a weight bigger than my petite body. It’s simply been a lot and I’m just now beginning to feel like someone who finally found a door out of a long, dark hallway after weeks of stumbling and stumbling.

In hindsight, I see how much fight I put up even when I thought I wasn’t fighting. I remember days when the battle confined me to bed in a pool of my own tears and how I refused to believe the voice that kept banging defeat in my head. I acknowledge how much I fought to feel something in my body that didn’t taste like death. How hard I fought for a spot in the place where the sun rises.

Like I said earlier, it’s okay to feel like you’re sinking sometimes. Your “not okay” days are part of life. You may not be a pretty sight on those days. Heck! You may not make it out of bed at all or even remember to eat something or take a shower but there is no need to pile up shame on the already heavy emotions you’re carrying. You’re only human.

But it is very important that you don’t let those seasons stretch out indefinitely. It’s important that you insist at one point that you are deserving of joy and reach for it. You can start by getting out of bed even if it’s hard. You can call a friend even if the last thing you want to hear is another human’s voice. You can listen to a feel good song even if you would rather bury yourself underneath layers and layers of sad notes. Start with the simple things. They are usually the hardest, by the way.

Two days ago I read a very sad article and it suddenly struck me that I wasn’t reminded of my own sadness at all. I became acutely aware that I hadn’t actually been sad in a few days. Who would have thought that just the previous week, breathing felt like a chore?

But that’s how life works and you must remember this when life knocks you down and your arms feel too flaccid to fight. You must remember that valleys don’t stretch out forever. Somewhere ahead, there is a mountain. Ebbs and flows, remember? This is the order of things. Nothing lasts forever! But then, it doesn’t feel this way when you’re in the thick of it.

By the way, I recently read Hauwa’s newsletter about being okay with your moments of neglect. And I realize how blessed I was to be able to afford the chaos of that crazy month. I left my 9-5 in March to write fulltime and for that, I’m grateful. It meant there was no pressure to look pretty (what’s this obsession with prettiness anyway?) and show up at work. And because I also live alone, I could afford to release all those emotions that needed a new home however I wanted without anyone worrying about me. There was no facade to maintain and I’m grateful that was the case.

And before you ask, I’m in a much better place now and I’m back to rocking with joy. I always tell her that our ride is till the wheels fall off but that babe be bailing on me at will. Lol. But she always comes back (or I’m the one thinking that because I doubt she ever leaves) and I’m also grateful for that.

If your days have felt like a load lately, I pray this week takes away some of the weight. I pray you remember that you’re not your emotions when you start to spiral. You’re worth so much more. You may be feeling worthless but that’s not what or who you are. You’re not the anxiety nor the stress. You’re neither the fear nor the pain. I’m sending you hugs.