Postcard on Identity

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

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This question can be gently probing or blatantly condescending. It depends on who is asking, what manner it’s asked and what mood you’re in, even.

But regardless of the motive, it’s one question you should reframe for yourself and answer.

“Who am I really?”

Personally, I only just started feeling like I know myself, and I’ve been around this sometimes-sunny-sometimes-sad universe for over two decades. Truth is, there is still a lot I don’t know about myself. There are still questions about myself I’m still finding answers to, even basic questions. But I know I must answer them for myself.

You see, the way we show up in this world is underscored by who we think we are and the space we think we deserve to occupy.

It was my birthday two days ago and it was healing for me to realize how much self work I’ve done. For the first time in so many birthdays, I allowed myself take up space. Friends sent me gifts (I’m still stunned by how much monetary gifts I got) and wrote me messages of appreciation. Non-friends were very particular about how much I’ve impacted their lives and for the first time in so many birthdays, I took my flowers without feeling the need to pluck off a few petals. I accepted compliments and felt worthy of them. I acknowledged how far I’ve come and didn’t feel the need to dismiss my achievements or shrink…

Look, identity crisis is not always a full blown breakdown. Sometimes it’s the subtle change in tone when we enter a new room full of people we’ve decided are decades above our pay range, and consequently, out of our league. Sometimes it’s the desire to shrink ourselves when we step into a new season because we’re not quite sure who we’re supposed to be on that level. Sometimes it’s the subtle blending of our voices into the status quo, because who are we to raise a different tune? Identity crisis is not always a red-splashed danger zone like we often make it to be. If it were, it would be less problematic than it is. The big problem with not knowing ourselves is the fact that oftentimes, we feel like we do.

Hey, you matter in this big, big, universe in a big, big way, but if you don’t know yourself, you wouldn’t know this. Even worse, you will let people bend you over and send you to the back bench like you don’t matter.

Do the hard work of sitting down with yourself and listening to your likes and dislikes. Do the hard work of figuring yourself out, piece by piece; brick by brick. Don’t be a stranger to yourself. It is a death trap to ignore the inner work of defining yourself because people are generous with labels. If you don’t decide who you are, they will do it for you.

Who do you think you are?

You’ve given vulnerability to everyone else, but it’s time to gift it to yourself. Dig into what hurts until you find out why it hurts. Question your biases. Form your opinions from a place of conviction instead of lazily following the flock, and if tomorrow you outgrow that opinion, don’t be scared to move. You’re not a tree. Find answers even to the seemingly mundane questions. What makes you tick when you wake up in the morning and why? What do you give the biggest bombastic side eye to and why? What do you consider your most admirable quality and why? What makes you beautiful and why? By the way, only you can define your “why”.

As someone who used to struggle with the issue of identity (and still sometimes does), I’ve realized that there are cheat codes that help with this work. Mine is God. As a person of faith, I’ve realized that the closer I get to God, the easier it is for me to shed shame and shrug off every burden that doesn’t belong to my shoulders. The easier it is for me to level mountains of lies in my life and see myself how my maker sees me. I now define myself primarily through the lens of God and it has been such a wholesome ride so far.

Find your cheat code but make sure it is nothing ephemeral like your job. Make sure it’s a constant that can hold up when everything else tumbles in the inevitable storms of life.

It’s been two days since my birthday and I’ve reflected and refocused. My goal is to get to know myself a bit more every day and I hope you can do same for yourself, too. By the way, when you get this newsletter, don’t forget to wish me a happy birthday. Thanks now or in advance.

In the end, when all is said and done or left undone, you have only yourself. So, what can possibly be more pathetic than completing your life cycle, a complete stranger to yourself?

With loads of love,

Odinakachi Nwonu