Postcard on friendship

Digging beyond the surface

Friendship, like every other form of relationship, is hard. It requires effort, intention, care, vulnerability, reciprocity…

At my former workplace, a colleague of mine, on hearing me talk about one of my friends with so much love and tenderness, decided she was unlucky with friends. I was curious. Are they the problem? Or is it all her? We got talking about the subject and I realized she abhors vulnerability like a sunburn. She would literally rather chew her jeans than dig past the surface.

When we become friends with people, we are ultimately making a choice of letting them into our space. It is up to us to decide if they make it past the balcony, but we must realize that how cozy we get, depends on what part of the house we are.

It is almost insanity to avoid vulnerability while wanting depth in friendships. But that’s what a lot of us do. We’ve swallowed the “trust no one” pill so much and so often that we forget that trust is an important element of every relationship. How can you peacefully and joyfully interact with someone you don’t trust? And how can you trust except you test the waters through acts of vulnerability?

Friendship, especially in this era where it’s so easy for private info to become public news, is a balancing act. Balance! We must learn to share but within the boundaries of tested trust. We must learn to accept people wholly, while concurrently helping them get better. True friendships are fertile grounds for growth, so if yours have been stunted, you need to do some watering or uprooting.

Lastly, building takes time, so be patient with those whom you’ve willingly decided to open your heart to. Like my mum would always say, “if you count every error, you will end up alone”. This is by no means an endorsement of bottom barrel behaviours. It is just to say that it is very human to err. What counts is the heart posture. Give grace as often as you can spare it, knowing ow much in need of it you also are.

- Odinakachi Nwonu