I met El Roi

…the God who sees me.

It’s been quite a year. A lot has happened to sweep me off my feet—both literally and metaphorically. And a lot is still happening. I feel myself nearing that point of exhaustion, like someone at work all day who, by 4 p.m., keeps glancing at the clock, waiting for five. I’m tired. It’s been a long, long year.

Being a sentimental person, I usually start each year with cute resolutions laid out in bulletproof format. I love the thrill of possibilities—the hope of future-me sticking to those new resolves. But this year was different. I didn’t have resolutions, just a few wishes I hadn’t even bothered to write down. Maybe my more pragmatic side was upset with something. How else can I explain starting a year without a page full of promises to myself?

I think I took this earlier in the year or something. The blank pages fit well into this segment of the newsletter.

Anyway, it is what it is. No resolutions, just a handful of wishes—and one of them was to deepen my intimacy with God. As someone who has struggled with keeping up the rituals of religion as an adult, this could have easily meant fasting more, attending church more, and so on. But it wasn’t just that. I wanted to really get to know my source, to behold my Father. God had felt like a distant friend, and I longed to know Him on a first-name basis. I’d heard stories of deeply moving encounters with Him, and I wanted that too. I wanted to experience Him in the everyday-ness of my existence, to know not just the God of thunder but also the God of manna.

It’s been a long year, full of testimonies—a long list of wins. If I had a checklist for the year, I’d probably have ticked off more than half of it. That sounds like a very good year to me, and in this newsletter, I want to share one of those wins. I encountered El Roi, the God who sees. I met my Father, and He saw me. He sees me. Wow.

This year has taught me that the things I’m looking for are also looking for me. At the year’s start, I said a simple prayer: God, I want to know You more. And, I tell you, everything aligned to make that happen. I began by joining the New Testament Bible challenge at my church, and it was liberating. I hadn’t realized how much scripture I’d been consuming secondhand. This time, I witnessed context firsthand and saw the Holy Spirit actively interpreting. It ended around March, and I was blown away, freed from my previous biases about Bible challenges. I wanted more.

And God gave me more.

Just a black and white photo of me I hope captures the yearning I’m trying to describe in this newsletter.

Shortly after the challenge, a movie producer I work with shared a Bible study group link on her WhatsApp status. I recognized it as God’s response to my request and joined. Words can’t fully explain how much spiritual growth that group has brought me.

As if that wasn’t enough, God sent me a partner yielded to Him. I’ve dated a bit, but never in my decade-plus of dating have I experienced something as wholesome as this. Being with him feels like being in unbroken communion with God. Every conversation is a spiritual lever—a stripping off of self to embrace the Spirit. I’ve never been in a relationship where I could feel physically enchanted and spiritually alive at the same time. I recognized this, too, as another answer to my prayer.

One of the most profound shifts in my understanding has been the newness and aliveness of the Word—how it simultaneously speaks deeply yet differently to each of us. It meets us exactly where we are.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 NIV

I remember one day early in the year, during the New Testament challenge. I woke up with a heaviness in my spirit I couldn’t shake. I’ve always valued the practice of examining my emotions, so I did just that. I realized it was about my ex. He was a good man, but I was dissatisfied. “Good” was no longer enough. I wanted the weightlessness that comes with love—the feeling of being midair, lifted by a force bigger than gravity. I didn’t feel that with him, and I knew it was time to leave, but I felt reluctant. It’s wild what our brains can do with familiarity. Even though the situation was no longer serving me, the familiar felt like home. I was comfortable in the monotony of nonchalance that was that relationship. That comfort, mixed with the fear of the unknown, held me hostage in mediocrity.

So, that morning, I was a mess. I was convinced there were no more men who feared the Lord and were equally crazy about love. The weight felt unbearable. Then, it was time for my Bible study, and Romans 11 was the focus scripture. Something supernatural happened. Romans 11:5 freed me from scarcity mentality. There was no mistaking the voice of God in that moment. I felt His presence powerfully.

“So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace.” Romans 11:5 NIV

Those words lifted me into freedom. God reminded me firmly that the earth is never empty of His own. It would be impossible to describe the peace I felt in that moment. Suddenly, I found the strength to do what needed to be done. I left the relationship and trusted that the God who knows my size would send me one of His very own—a man with whom I wouldn’t need to sacrifice my lover-girl-ness on the altar of spirituality. The two can share a bench and survive.

There have been so many experiences like that. Truly, “God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” This year, I’ve witnessed that firsthand. I may not be sure of a lot, but I know God’s love as surely as I know my name. After years of a milk diet, I’m starting to feel weaned. Some days, I crave the simple comfort of milk, but for the first time as a Christian, I feel like I’ve finally had a bite of solid food. I feel aligned with my Maker, and on days when I feel out of sync, I feel the Spirit drawing me back to the center. It’s been a great year.

“In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.” Hebrews 5:12-14 NIV

P.S. Next year, I’ll set goals and write them down, but this freestyle mode has worked surprisingly well.

My prayer for you this week is that you will come into the full knowledge of God, that you will experience Him through your own POV, and that He meets you right where you are. May you see just how enough He is—in both lack and plenty. I pray you experience God not only as your Master but as a loving Savior. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

With loads and loads of love,

Odinakachi Nwonu